Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Rest In Peace (RIP) the Runway

I hate to harp on Broke Entertainment Television (BET), but Monday's airing of Rip the Runway would have made E!'s Fashion Police squad die of immediate heart attacks. As I mentioned before, I am all for promoting ninjas. However, as my man Dwight Eubanks told us on Real Housewives of Atlanta, a fashion show with NO fashions is NOTHING!!! I'm no Michael Kors and I'm certainly no Stella McCartney, but I could have made the shit that found its way down that clubbed out runway. Those designers are going to have to work extra extra hard if they ever want to make it to the sidewalk near Bryant Park for Fashion Week.

Also, what was up with the irrelevant performers? Who is Mavado? Okay Keri Hilson is up and coming, but her appearance and Forever 21 wardrobe made her look like a struggling artist. Busta Rhymes and Spliff Starrs tried to do it like they did when they were my age. I don't know about you, but that ninja is overdue for retirement. He could barely wave his hands in the air and he kept bumping into models. Poor coordination is a sign of old age and possibly glaucoma. But I have to agree with Busta, a batch wants some of that Arab money. And when I say Arab money I mean marrying a ninja by the name of Mohammed Fazad al-Habib. Yeah I said it. I'll rock some cloth over this head to have a house the size of the Taj Mahal and a fleet of Bentleys.

The only highlight of the evening was Joy Bryant. Let's just say that old girl must have dropped Rachel Zoe's coked-out ass as her stylist. Joy's yaki and attire were to die for. She typically rocks that bride of Jimi Hendrix look which does not work well since it screams nappy hair/weave and no style. A bitch pulled it together real quick. What do you think?

I refuse to make any further comments about the bootleggedness(c) that was Rest In Peace the Runway. My time is so much more valuable.
*Photo 1: taken from Black Entertainment Television
*Photo 2: taken from http://www.topnews.in/
*Photo 3: taken from Black Entertainment Television

Harlem Lows and BET Woes

So Broke Entertainment Television (BET) aired its new reality series, Harlem Heights, on Monday. With the greatest sadness, I report to you that the show should have been called Harlem Lows.

First of all, there was zero publicity for this retardedness with the exception of an ad on the blog Young Black and Fabulous and a bootleg KFC commercial featuring the cast members. If you did not get a chance to catch the season premiere, I am extremely jealous!

Harlem Heights is intended to be the older, professional, fashionable, and successful version of Baldwin Hills. Sure a lot of the young ladies and fellas on the show dressed to the nines, but with the exception of the law student, the urban developer, and the chick who worked for Victoria's Secret, it was not clear as to what the others did for a living. Worst of all, you had your typical struggling boughetto actress and a street hustla with an elementary school aged daughter. I'm all for black empowerment and promoting a positive image, but this "crew" of harlemites (I refuse to describe them as socialites) was very WHACK. If you don't believe me, please check out the following: http://www.bet.com/onblast/default.html?chan=3&id=2750&i=8&sub=&itype=e.

The season premiere showed the group watching the November 2008 election of Barack Obama. Now, I even cried, jumped, and acted a fool during the historic moment. However, I did not expect to see the hard ass ninjas on that show balling like little bitches. It was a disturbing scene to watch. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with men expressing emotion, but if we want to cover the spectrum, I needed to see some straight men on that show too. Why did they all have to be gay? You might disagree, but every single ninja on that show was gay, especially the one (Pierre) who ran in some marathon (real ninjas don't do marathons).

So that whackness took up almost over an hour of my life and I missed the majority of the other ghetto mess known as For the Love of Ray J (I'll dish on that later).

I guess ever since MTV came out with rich white kid shows like Laguna Beach and the Hills, there has been an obsession with creating a negro equivalent. Although everyone loves Baldwin Hills, nothing about them screams money to me. When I say money I mean you got a Range Rover for your birthday type of money. Those kids are pushing honda civics and what not. I'm not hating on civics cuz I clearly drive a Toyota. However, if I am supposed to watch you on TV and be envious of your life, I'm gonna need you to do better.

I really think that if BET sticks to doing re-runs of shows like Martin, Living Single, In Living Color, Family Matters, and the Cosby Show, it will do just fine and probably get higher ratings. All this keeping up with the trends shit is not working. Just think about other whack ass shows that have aired on BET like Hell Date and DMX: Soul of A Man (arh arh).

*Photo 1: taken from Black Entertainment Television
*Photo 2: taken from Black Entertainment Television

Monday, March 2, 2009

Drag On!

Finally, RuPaul has her own tangtabulous version of America's Next Top Model. Hate it or love it, but my BFF was right. Tyra Banks shonuf stole all her style from Lady Ru. The sad part is that Tyra, a "real" woman, looks like crap next to Ru's fabulousness.

Just a red carpet tip: Tyra, stop plastering that nasty orange yaki to your head, but keep smiling with them eyes :-)

Anywhoo, RuPaul's Drag Race is far from a drag. I find the show quite entertaining as these little "women" scurry around to prove whose tuck-the-penis-in game is tighter. My personal fave is Akashia who is basically the token hot ghetto mess. To my great sadness, "she" ended up getting cut early on. Check "her" out at this link: http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/335445/eric-aka-akashia.jhtml?id=1603481.

Hopefully Ru Ru's mo-dels will have a better shot at having a real career compared to Tyra's has beens on America's Next Top Model.

If you are gay, straight, or confused, I think you should watch at least one episode. Personally, I think if some of you straight guys met these "girls" at the club, you would hit that extra tight punani and not even know it.

I know I'm nasty, but you know you luvs it!

*Photo 1: taken from http://www.movieeye.com/
*Photo 2: taken from All Funmusik

Girlfriend, stop being sooo into him!

This particular post is for all the single ladies out there. I'm single, but I don't have a problem with it. You shouldn't either, but I know a lot of you do.

So a few weekends ago I saw the movie "He's just not that into you." Although I already knew all that stuff about dating, I have to admit that it was cute. I got in a lot of good laughs. However, I would like to warn you that the movie is also full of a lot of crap.
The main character was a crazy batch who didn't quite realize that most guys blow a lot of steam up your ass about how they will call and how they want to see you again. So she fell for the lines time after time after time. The worst part is that she was the crazy girl who would keep calling or randomly showing up at a guy's favorite bar, hoping to run into him. All I have to say is if most women out there are like this, then now I understand why we all have guy issues....men are afraid of us. The main flaw in the movie is that the crazy batch actually ended up with a boyfriend. Blame it on the Hollywood.

Of course this isn't the case in reality. I don't believe that men are afraid of women. I don't think they are even afraid of commitment. Most guys just like to be able to tap a different ass when they feel like it. Yeah, the truth hurts. So if you are in a relationship and you think he's cheating, he probably is. It isn't that he doesn't love you. It's just that he couldn't resist the temptation.

The problem here is that women are so emotional and all about investing in a guy. Please throw that out the window. Invest in yourself and your sanity. It's time we all act a little bit like Samantha on Sex and the City. Now I'm not saying that you should go and sleep with a random stranger every minute of the day. What I mean is that you should go out with the chicas, sip some bubbly, meet a guy, flirt, dance with him and maybe give him a little lip action on the dancefloor. However, don't have any expectations. He might call you a few days later or he might not. It shouldn't matter to you because what you should be concerned with is you and having a good time.

We get too caught up in worrying about finding someone that we put too much in every person we meet. Stop the madness. All those guys are not for you. Yeah they might look good, but they might also be 32 with no job way before this recession hit. Furthermore, ladies the moral of the story is to love yourself. Not all of us can be Heidi Klum and obviously not every guy can get with Heidi Klum. If you are round, love those curves. If you are a skinny batch, love them bones.

I think the point of "He's just not that into you" is to teach women that you can meet a guy and not be that into him. Let's see how the boys react to that! Our problem is that we are always into them. Before the night is over we are thinking of what our kids might look like. We should just have fun meeting people with the understanding that eventually, someone you meet might be the right person for you. More importantly, because you are so caught up with living YOUR life and are not on a constant prowl, your Mr. Man will hit you before you even see him coming.

Now, I hope Hollywood doesn't beat the whole crazy dating theme to death. Apparently Drew Barrymore's production company has a new show on VH1 called Tough Love. Some whack looking guy (who seems single) claims to be the expert on matchmaking and promises to straighten out some desperate single women who are unable to find love. The slogan sums it up: "before you can find true love, you need some tough love."

Ummmm.....clearly I will not be watching that bootleggedness(c) and you shouldn't either cuz the point of this blog was to tell you that you find love by not looking for it. If you haven't even learned that, then no one can help you.

*Photo: taken from http://rsfile.com/index.php/tag/cam-xvid/


Okay....I'm all for privacy rights and minding my damn biznass, but you know we have to comment on lil Ms. Suleman (did I spell it right?). In my defense, she has been plastering her business out there for us to savor so it's free reign.

I really just want to go to her and be like boo boo what were you thinking. But then again our home girl was obviously not thinking. Clearly psychiatric evaluations should now be standard procedure when a woman with 6 kids comes to ask a doctor to give her 7 more.

My only question is this: how did a batch manage to pay for in vitro with no job and no man? Even Angelina Jolie would not have pulled a let me collect more children stunt like this and Angie has that 100 children type of money. Besides, we know Angie and her DSLs like to pick from more diverse parts of the world. They all can't come from her.

As far as lil Ms. S's momma is concerned, I'm gonna need for grandma to step out of the lime light. How are you going to trash talk your own daughter in public? As crazy as we know this whole situation is, don't tell us that. Tell your daughter that. Grandma is clearly on some Rev. Jeremiah Wright ish now...all about messing up the cause (get money) rather than helping it.

I personally don't want my taxes paying for those babies. I am more comfortable with the dumb ass doctor paying some child support.

*Photo: taken from Access Hollywood

New Talent: Drake

So if you are a little hip hopper and a lover of Cash Money Millionaires, you will appreciate this news. Weezy F. Baby has discovered some new talent (and in Canada of all places).

Drake, who was born Aubrey Drake Graham is a 22 year old half black, half Jewish native of Toronto who may be rap's new sensation. Based on his background, I luvs him already.

My favorite track from Drake is "Congratulations" but he's got some other hot stuff with Weezy like "I want this forever," "EveryGirl," and "Best I ever had."

Be sure to check him out with whatever method you use to illegally download music ;-)

*Photo: taken from www.hiphoplead.com

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The 300 Year Curse

So yesterday was my friend's 30th birthday. To celebrate in style (well we thought we were stylin') we started the night with dinner. Somehow everyone started talking about racism. Then that somehow led to me making a comment about slavery. I guess everyone thinks I'm extremely prissy and incapable of dealing with a hard life because they laughed at the thought of me being a slave. Well I told them. If I had ever had the opportunity to be a slave, I would have killed my master by seducing him and poisoning him with some cotton tea. Now, there is no such thing as cotton tea, but I was talking out of my ass. I digress, I digress.

On a more serious note, I attempted to start some dialogue on slavery and the holocaust. It was too heavy a topic for dinner, so I decided to save the comparison for my blog....

In college I took a graduate course on the politics of race and ethnicity. My final paper was a comparison of Jews to African-Americans. This was relevant to me because a lot of the course materials addressed concerns over why African-Americans are not like Jews even though they had a similar struggle.

Let me tell you why since none of these intellects and professors can seem to put their finger on it.

The top 5 reasons why African-Americans are not as "successful" as Jews:

1) Slavery lasted 300 freakin' years
---- I don't mean to deviate from the significance of the Holocaust, but imagine three hundred years of separating mothers from children and fathers from families. It is a pretty good explanation for the "breakdown" of the African-American family unit. They've been breaking for 300 years.

Slaves had no alliance to back them up ---- So after the rest of the world discovered the atrocities of the Nazis in Germany, they flocked to the rescue of the Jews. Ummmm no one was trying to rescue slaves. Of course we want to acknowledge all the abolitionists and thanks to Harriett Tubman and others, a lot made it to Canada. However, there was no army raised for Negro liberation. I never learned about France or England coming to save slaves from American atrocities.

Slaves did not have old money ----- African-Americans were dragged to the New World against their will. They had nothing. They were the property. To make matters worse, they didn't have any gold to melt into their teeth and therefore nothing of value to pass down to later generations. Furthermore, this lack of property was exacerbated with the emancipation of slavery when no one got 40 acres or a mule!

4) Jews are unified by religion ----- Judaism is such an ingrained part of the culture of Jews that it is a strong identifier for them. African-Americans are Christians for the most part, but there are sooooooo many denominations that no one can keep track of them....Greater Emmanuel of the Faith A.M.E. Baptist Church, the Church of God, Amelia E. Featherhoven Temple of God. I'm trippin' but you get the idea. The only unique identifier for African-Americans is skin color. That has proven to be a deal breaker more than anything else. Thanks to slave rapes and the other racist propaganda that were rampant during slavery, black people are not one shade of black. There are many variations and complexions. Just watch Spike Lee's "School Daze" and you will have a better idea of what I'm talking about.

5) Jews are basically white ---- I'm not saying that Jews have not faced any adversity, but it is easier to get by in America when you have white skin. You don't have to deal with that double taxation. Now I understand that our society has constructed its own stereotypes about Jews, but nothing is worse than that black skin. Think of it this way. If you are white or even brown (cuz y'all front like you aren't ninjas when you really are), would you like to trade in your skin color for some of that negro melanin?

I didn't think so!

There you have it folks! These are the differences. I personally think all African-Americans of slave descent deserve at least 150 years off work with pay for all those 300 years of cotton picking in the hot sun. Just thinking about that hard work makes me tired and what I do isn't even 0.1% of what they did.

Of course this is only my opinion, so feel free to hit me up with some comments. I wanna know what you think about the Jew/Black debate.

*Photo 1: taken from http://www.sonofthesouth.net/slavery/photographs/slaves.htm
*Photo 2: taken from http://blueherald.com/2007/04/holocaust-remembrance-day-2007/

I know, I know....CPT

Well if you don't know what CPT means, you are really missing out. It stands for Colored People Time. It is also known as Colored Time (CT) or African Time (AT). Basically it means that you are late.

I guess the stereotype is that black people or people of African descent are late for pretty much everything. I am clearly guilty of this phenomenon as I have not updated my wonderful blog in an eternity (a little over a week to be exact).

I would like to take this moment to apologize to all you faithful readers. My bad! Life just gets crazy sometimes and then other days you may not feel like doing ish.

After my mini vaca, I promise to do better. I will update my blog every other day and give myself a break on the weekends.

If you are opposed to this new arrangement, feel free to comment, but it won't change anything :-)