Saturday, September 19, 2009

My Man Ye

So everyone has something to say about the VMA's and Kanye's "outburst". It seems that all commentary about Mr. West's behavior has been negative.

To be perfectly honest, I saw nothing wrong with what he did. Those awards shows are soooo overrated and inaccurate displays of what should be considered great talent. I'm not trying to rain on Taylor Swift's parade, but the batch really doesn't have a good voice. If she can be a superstar so can I (and I can't sing for shit). We have fallen into a culture where white girls with no voice can blow up and stay up (thanks to technology).

Taylor Swift's songs are lame and then her videos are extra lame. Beyonce or Lady Gaga should really have won that award. Their songs were obviously better than Swift's and they had hot videos. Kanye was merely pointing out a blatant disparity in the selection process. He could have kept his commentary until after the show, but his actions constituted a more effective protest.

Then to make matters worse, Beyonce was told to give up her limelight in order to allow Taylor some more time to speak to her fans. Ugh again! I mean why should Sasha Fierce have to sacrifice her shine for a 17 year old white girl with bad clip in hair? Now that is unfair.

The REAL Housewives of ATL...Don't Be Tardy for This Party!

It has been a long time coming, but I have finally composed myself enough to comment on the bootleggedness (c) that is the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Don't get me wrong. I love the assembly of wannabe heiresses and socialites... and then the majority of them are black! I mean Bravo outdid itself with this boughetto mess. The only problem with the show is that no one seems to have money with the exception of Kim and Kandi.
I thought the whole point of any housewives show is to make us jealous of the good life. In Orange County, all those batches were loaded. Same thing with New York. Of course when we get to Atlanta with the ninjas, we have foreclosures, lame clothing lines, and unfurnished homes. What the hell is up with that? I guess none of the REAL housewives in Atlanta are dying to be on tv. That's part of being a real bougie baby. You don't talk about money and you don't flaunt what you've got. It is clear that these biznatches in ATL have nothing to do with old money or class. And for any of them that have any money, it is very new new.
Now Kim's money is not exactly legit since she screws other people's husbands to earn her income. In this life, I can't hate on her cuz I need a Big Poppa to pay my bills and buy we $60,000 Escalades. In the afterlife, I can't hang with that cuz judgment day might be a bitch. However, Kim does have the best decorated house. NeNe can learn from her the essentials of furnishings and making a house look like it actually belongs to you. Don't be tardy for the party!
Kandi on the otherhand is a career woman. She really is the only chick on the show with a legitimate hustle. You might want to come back at me and say Lisa does her thing. She does, but she does too much and that is why her house was foreclosed on. Lisa needs to decide if she wants to be a real estate broker, jewelry designer, or fashion designer. Kandi seems very down to earth. She probably has the most money out of all those bitches. They all need to take notes. Based on the "regular" appearance of her home, I know Kandi puts all her money in the bank. Suze Orman is so proud!
My favorite housewife is NeNe (Linnethia) Leakes. Ms. Leakes is the Queen Bee of brokedown housewives, but her commentary is to die for. NeNe does keep it real, even though I need her to keep it extra real and admit that her and her husband (who looks like he could be her grandfather) are broke. Let's be honest, a REAL housewife in the ATL with some good money does not need to check price tags. That was a dead giveaway. On a good note, I'm happy Season 2 has blessed Linnethia with a bigger (still unfurnished) home and a new sew-in wig.

Oh and how can I forget about She/Sheree. I don't know who the hell she thought she was, trying to get a seven figure divorce settlement. Reality must have hit that bitch in the face so hard when that ugly ass mansion went into foreclosure. Sheree is the ultimate MILF on the show, but I need her to impart some of that fabulousness on her children. They are the only kids on the show that look kind of crusty.
All in all, the housewives are a hot, enjoyable mess. I don't know about you, but I wish Dwight and his tangtabulous self could be housewife number 6!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Black Power!!!

My BFF and I have recently been discussing what appears to be an increasing racial divide in this country that is always mistakenly called a melting pot.

So many black professionals are being systematically laid off from their corporate jobs and no one has said anything about it. My personal opinion is that this specific targeting of the "black elite" is a direct fall out of the November 2008 presidential election in which Barack Hussein "I'm a ninja" Obama took over the White House.

So the most powerful man in the land is black and white people become threatened. People can lie all they want about fearing a socialist government, but we all know the real deal (no one wants a ninja as their President). Barack's presence must be a reminder of days as white trash struggling to find jobs as house cleaners, which Maria and Consuela happily took. A word of wisdom: if you want those jobs back, please lower your asking price. No one is going to pay you $8 an hour for a job that can be done for $1 an hour. Don't be mad at us. Be mad at your corporate big wigs who decided to take all those Ford motor jobs to the Philippines or whatever random third world country they sent that work to.

Such moments often remind me of slavery. Slavery was a terrible period in the past of African-Americans. However, slavery clearly showed the stronger race - black people. White people were visibly too weak to pick cotton as their translucent melanin was not enough to withstand days in the sunny fields of Virginia and South Carolina. Better yet, let's just say that Oladupe the Slave was strong with muscles ripping through his chest and back. I doubt that even the great Civil War general Stonewall Jackson had such an amazing physique. Long before LA Fitness and NY Sports Clubs, we were looking gwoood. Why do you think the little white mistresses of the house were creaming for Solomon and his fellow slaves? Now the black man was not the only idol back then. Black women also did their thing. I mean Thomas Jefferson did love him some Sally and clearly fathered a multitude of mulatto children....I know, the truth hurts!

This recognition of black strength and black power has always been the motivator for bringing down black people. Of course no one could be better than the pasty white men, so they decided to reduce black people to nothingness until they believed they were nothing. The remnants of this low self-esteem are found in the young boys and girls who would rather chill on the corner than read a book. Now, with the rise of a black President, we can see that time for being a down-trodden negro is expiring.

Let's just say that we are heading into a time where white validation will no longer be important. For so long we have wanted to work at this company and go to that school. We should remember a time when black people owned their own businesses, banks, schools, etc. Why can't we do that again? The campaign days leading up to Obama/November '08 were a reminder that we will always have a systemic racial divide in this country. Obama represents hope, but that hope probably goes as far as universal healthcare. We will not randomly come together in the next 10, 20, or even 50 years.

However, as we all lose our jobs and begin to reflect on our self worth, let us recognize that black is beautiful, intelligent, strong, and powerful. It is important to understand that people are threatened by confidence, especially the confidence of a negro. The veil of the white man must now be lifted so that we can see what lies within us. Integration was our downfall. The new segregation will be our rise.

I'm not usually ranting about black power, but the recent unfairness I see affecting me and those around me is hard to push to the side. I wonder what Reverend Al thinks...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Rest In Peace (RIP) the Runway

I hate to harp on Broke Entertainment Television (BET), but Monday's airing of Rip the Runway would have made E!'s Fashion Police squad die of immediate heart attacks. As I mentioned before, I am all for promoting ninjas. However, as my man Dwight Eubanks told us on Real Housewives of Atlanta, a fashion show with NO fashions is NOTHING!!! I'm no Michael Kors and I'm certainly no Stella McCartney, but I could have made the shit that found its way down that clubbed out runway. Those designers are going to have to work extra extra hard if they ever want to make it to the sidewalk near Bryant Park for Fashion Week.

Also, what was up with the irrelevant performers? Who is Mavado? Okay Keri Hilson is up and coming, but her appearance and Forever 21 wardrobe made her look like a struggling artist. Busta Rhymes and Spliff Starrs tried to do it like they did when they were my age. I don't know about you, but that ninja is overdue for retirement. He could barely wave his hands in the air and he kept bumping into models. Poor coordination is a sign of old age and possibly glaucoma. But I have to agree with Busta, a batch wants some of that Arab money. And when I say Arab money I mean marrying a ninja by the name of Mohammed Fazad al-Habib. Yeah I said it. I'll rock some cloth over this head to have a house the size of the Taj Mahal and a fleet of Bentleys.

The only highlight of the evening was Joy Bryant. Let's just say that old girl must have dropped Rachel Zoe's coked-out ass as her stylist. Joy's yaki and attire were to die for. She typically rocks that bride of Jimi Hendrix look which does not work well since it screams nappy hair/weave and no style. A bitch pulled it together real quick. What do you think?

I refuse to make any further comments about the bootleggedness(c) that was Rest In Peace the Runway. My time is so much more valuable.
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*Photo 1: taken from Black Entertainment Television
*Photo 2: taken from http://www.topnews.in/
*Photo 3: taken from Black Entertainment Television

Harlem Lows and BET Woes

So Broke Entertainment Television (BET) aired its new reality series, Harlem Heights, on Monday. With the greatest sadness, I report to you that the show should have been called Harlem Lows.

First of all, there was zero publicity for this retardedness with the exception of an ad on the blog Young Black and Fabulous and a bootleg KFC commercial featuring the cast members. If you did not get a chance to catch the season premiere, I am extremely jealous!

Harlem Heights is intended to be the older, professional, fashionable, and successful version of Baldwin Hills. Sure a lot of the young ladies and fellas on the show dressed to the nines, but with the exception of the law student, the urban developer, and the chick who worked for Victoria's Secret, it was not clear as to what the others did for a living. Worst of all, you had your typical struggling boughetto actress and a street hustla with an elementary school aged daughter. I'm all for black empowerment and promoting a positive image, but this "crew" of harlemites (I refuse to describe them as socialites) was very WHACK. If you don't believe me, please check out the following: http://www.bet.com/onblast/default.html?chan=3&id=2750&i=8&sub=&itype=e.

The season premiere showed the group watching the November 2008 election of Barack Obama. Now, I even cried, jumped, and acted a fool during the historic moment. However, I did not expect to see the hard ass ninjas on that show balling like little bitches. It was a disturbing scene to watch. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with men expressing emotion, but if we want to cover the spectrum, I needed to see some straight men on that show too. Why did they all have to be gay? You might disagree, but every single ninja on that show was gay, especially the one (Pierre) who ran in some marathon (real ninjas don't do marathons).

So that whackness took up almost over an hour of my life and I missed the majority of the other ghetto mess known as For the Love of Ray J (I'll dish on that later).

I guess ever since MTV came out with rich white kid shows like Laguna Beach and the Hills, there has been an obsession with creating a negro equivalent. Although everyone loves Baldwin Hills, nothing about them screams money to me. When I say money I mean you got a Range Rover for your birthday type of money. Those kids are pushing honda civics and what not. I'm not hating on civics cuz I clearly drive a Toyota. However, if I am supposed to watch you on TV and be envious of your life, I'm gonna need you to do better.

I really think that if BET sticks to doing re-runs of shows like Martin, Living Single, In Living Color, Family Matters, and the Cosby Show, it will do just fine and probably get higher ratings. All this keeping up with the trends shit is not working. Just think about other whack ass shows that have aired on BET like Hell Date and DMX: Soul of A Man (arh arh).

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*Photo 1: taken from Black Entertainment Television
*Photo 2: taken from Black Entertainment Television

Monday, March 2, 2009

Drag On!

Finally, RuPaul has her own tangtabulous version of America's Next Top Model. Hate it or love it, but my BFF was right. Tyra Banks shonuf stole all her style from Lady Ru. The sad part is that Tyra, a "real" woman, looks like crap next to Ru's fabulousness.

Just a red carpet tip: Tyra, stop plastering that nasty orange yaki to your head, but keep smiling with them eyes :-)

Anywhoo, RuPaul's Drag Race is far from a drag. I find the show quite entertaining as these little "women" scurry around to prove whose tuck-the-penis-in game is tighter. My personal fave is Akashia who is basically the token hot ghetto mess. To my great sadness, "she" ended up getting cut early on. Check "her" out at this link: http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/335445/eric-aka-akashia.jhtml?id=1603481.

Hopefully Ru Ru's mo-dels will have a better shot at having a real career compared to Tyra's has beens on America's Next Top Model.

If you are gay, straight, or confused, I think you should watch at least one episode. Personally, I think if some of you straight guys met these "girls" at the club, you would hit that extra tight punani and not even know it.

I know I'm nasty, but you know you luvs it!

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*Photo 1: taken from http://www.movieeye.com/
*Photo 2: taken from All Funmusik

Girlfriend, stop being sooo into him!


This particular post is for all the single ladies out there. I'm single, but I don't have a problem with it. You shouldn't either, but I know a lot of you do.

So a few weekends ago I saw the movie "He's just not that into you." Although I already knew all that stuff about dating, I have to admit that it was cute. I got in a lot of good laughs. However, I would like to warn you that the movie is also full of a lot of crap.
The main character was a crazy batch who didn't quite realize that most guys blow a lot of steam up your ass about how they will call and how they want to see you again. So she fell for the lines time after time after time. The worst part is that she was the crazy girl who would keep calling or randomly showing up at a guy's favorite bar, hoping to run into him. All I have to say is if most women out there are like this, then now I understand why we all have guy issues....men are afraid of us. The main flaw in the movie is that the crazy batch actually ended up with a boyfriend. Blame it on the Hollywood.

Of course this isn't the case in reality. I don't believe that men are afraid of women. I don't think they are even afraid of commitment. Most guys just like to be able to tap a different ass when they feel like it. Yeah, the truth hurts. So if you are in a relationship and you think he's cheating, he probably is. It isn't that he doesn't love you. It's just that he couldn't resist the temptation.

The problem here is that women are so emotional and all about investing in a guy. Please throw that out the window. Invest in yourself and your sanity. It's time we all act a little bit like Samantha on Sex and the City. Now I'm not saying that you should go and sleep with a random stranger every minute of the day. What I mean is that you should go out with the chicas, sip some bubbly, meet a guy, flirt, dance with him and maybe give him a little lip action on the dancefloor. However, don't have any expectations. He might call you a few days later or he might not. It shouldn't matter to you because what you should be concerned with is you and having a good time.

We get too caught up in worrying about finding someone that we put too much in every person we meet. Stop the madness. All those guys are not for you. Yeah they might look good, but they might also be 32 with no job way before this recession hit. Furthermore, ladies the moral of the story is to love yourself. Not all of us can be Heidi Klum and obviously not every guy can get with Heidi Klum. If you are round, love those curves. If you are a skinny batch, love them bones.

I think the point of "He's just not that into you" is to teach women that you can meet a guy and not be that into him. Let's see how the boys react to that! Our problem is that we are always into them. Before the night is over we are thinking of what our kids might look like. We should just have fun meeting people with the understanding that eventually, someone you meet might be the right person for you. More importantly, because you are so caught up with living YOUR life and are not on a constant prowl, your Mr. Man will hit you before you even see him coming.

Now, I hope Hollywood doesn't beat the whole crazy dating theme to death. Apparently Drew Barrymore's production company has a new show on VH1 called Tough Love. Some whack looking guy (who seems single) claims to be the expert on matchmaking and promises to straighten out some desperate single women who are unable to find love. The slogan sums it up: "before you can find true love, you need some tough love."

Ummmm.....clearly I will not be watching that bootleggedness(c) and you shouldn't either cuz the point of this blog was to tell you that you find love by not looking for it. If you haven't even learned that, then no one can help you.

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*Photo: taken from http://rsfile.com/index.php/tag/cam-xvid/